I told Sophie and Josef about the baby tonight. Sophie was thrilled. I think the part of her that is a little girl is excited to have a real life doll to play with since she didn’t have many as a child.
Josef seemed worried I would be hurt when it was time to have the baby. I told him I would be fine and there are wonderful doctors and nurses who will take good care of me and the little one when he or she comes along.
In the few months since the trial, I have been spending a few evenings occasionally with Wolfgang’s mother Mila. She’s a wonderful woman and a loving Mom. She said Wolfgang started taking some University classes online.
When I ask how he’s doing she said he’s sad of course, but she said he’s doing as well as can be expected. She said he still won’t speak of me and he instantly cuts her off if she suggests anything like me coming to see him. I haven’t told Mila about the baby. I’ll have to tell her soon or I’ll have to stop seeing her as I won’t be able to hide it for much longer.
The problem is, I don’t want her to tell Wolfgang, and since there isn’t anything he can do and has made his opinion I should move on perfectly clear, I don’t want him knowing.
Perhaps that’s selfish, but I’ll admit I’m pissed he wouldn’t try harder, he never even tried to appeal the verdict! I feel he gave up on himself and he gave up on us. He gave up on his child too, even though he didn’t know that part.
When I spoke to Mila last weekend, she had Lucas at the park while I was there with Josef, she said as much as she hates to admit it, she thinks Wolfgang is right now and that I should move on.
Maybe I don’t want to move on! Maybe just for fucking once I want something for ME! Damn it I’m so angry!
I’m angry that my baby is going to grow up without a father, I’m angry that Wolfgang wouldn’t fight harder, I’m angry at Mrs. Munch for agreeing with her stupid son! I’m angry at Sophie and Josef for needing me to be their parent!
I never had a childhood. I didn’t get to be a kid. I’ve worked so hard all these years to make things as normal as I possibly could for them. In the end, now there is just one more person that will need me to do for them!
Most of all Mom, I’m fucking angry at you! Why did you die? Why did you leave us?
<tears smear the ink but it looks like the final words are…>
Why do I have to do all of this all by myself?